Last season, Bachelor Jason was kind-of a big jerk, but now Jillian Harris is back to find her special someone on "The Bachlorette." Bachelorettes have been busy little bees lately. Melissa Rycroft is dancing her little heart out over on "Dancing with the Stars" and Jen Schefft just got married. Now we have a brand-new Bachelorette in Jillian Harris, the pint-sized Canadian cutie from last season. I was a big of Jillian's, so hopefully the show found her some winners.
After a great Mary-Tyler-Moore-esque montage where Jillian works out, does cartwheels on the beach, and goes all Bikini Car Wash on a purple Barracuda, she is off to the mansion to meet her harem of men. I'm sad she didn't throw her hat in the air at the end! Here are some highlights from the first Guy Montage:
**There's a guy named "Kiptyn." Much like "Bethel," that borders on child abuse
**Michael is a "break dance instructor." Hmmm. I think he might be more interested in Kiptyn.
**Stephen is an early favorite of mine because he's adorable and funny
**Kyle looks like a 26 year-old Tom Green
**Sasha is their very own Roughneck. Take that, American Idol!
**A guy named Wes (who goes by "Rooster" in Mexico) is a country singer. Wonder why he wants to be on the show?
**A guy named Greg goes by "Bill Bro" and says he's a perfect 10. Bill Bro is extremely shiny and has upwards of 400 teeth. Maybe he and Michael can just run off together and spare us all the trouble.
**Jake is wholesome, an airline pilot and wants a best friend to settle down with. I'm not sure if I love him or if I feel a little nauseous.
At the mansion, Chris reminds us that Jillian's motto is, "You have to slay a few dragons to find the right prince." My boyfriend remarks, "Has she been dating Coach?"
Jillian heads out to the driveway to meet her men. She's a vision in a white dress, just for the record. Some highlights of the first impressions:
**Bryan, a high school football coach, sweeps her up in his arms. Way to respect someone's personal space, Bry.
**Brian, an IT consultant, greets her with, "Hot Tub Harris!" Wow, the Brians are batting 1.000 tonight.
**Jake the Pilot gives her a set of wings. Awww. This guy is too much.
**Dave, a trucking contractor, totally chokes and can barely say hello.
**John from Boise is like an excitable golden retriever
**Brad from Chicago might actually have a split personality, one named Brad and one named Cory
**Simon is British. I immediately think that that's cheating a little because of the accent, but then he opens his mouth and it's like Brad Pitt from Snatch. The show has to subtitle him. Oh dear.
**Julien, the lambourghini driver, creeps me out. My boyfriend remarks, "You are a sleazy *@&#-bag."
**Kyle, the Tom Green guy from earlier, shows up in a leather motorcycle jacket and is a big nerd, but not in a cute way.
**Adam from Long Beach calls dibs on her first 15 minutes once they go inside the mansion. It wreaks of desperation and insecurity. I disapprove.
**When Juan steps out of the limo, the music changes to Spanish Porn music. Bom-chicka-wah-wah. With castanets.
**Bill Bro tells her how he marries people (because he's ordained) and that two of them were Canadian. Well, that would seal the deal for me, Guy Smiley.
Jillian heads inside (man, that would be overwhelming) and handles the hyenas with aplomb. Jake borrows her for some alone time and all the other guys are like, "Wow. Game on." Jesse comes out to cockblock Jake and reveals, Superman-like, that his undershirt says "Aspiring Canadian." Snerk. These guys certainly are aggressive but I suppose on a night when she cuts 1/3 of them, they have to be.It's basically a revolving door of guys for awhile, very whirlwind. Once they all reconvene together, one of them asks, "What's going to separate us because you said all of us have these great qualities..." and Jillian responds, "Not all of you but as individuals..." It's hilarious and Jillian is very cutely embarrassed.
Chris breaks up the laugh-fest with the First Impression Rose. Everybody stares at it, cracking jokes and then one guy says, "Has anyone kissed her yet? Cause I'll punch you right in the face." Oh, I do love when a bunch of men get together. It's a whole different brand of crazy from when women get together in groups.
Brian, the "Hot Tub Harris" guy, calls her a "sassy little minx" then Kyle draws a mustache on her finger with a sharpie. Dude, she's wearing a white dress. Read a room. Kyle goes all artsy-fartsy, so Brian goes double-wide hick, so Kyle goes all I-have-Peruvian-heritage. The back-and-forth devolves into Brian giving a talking-head about putting a waffle iron... waffle iron? is that right?... to Kyle's face. My boyfriend says, "Is he talking about committing a hate crime? 'I hate Peruvians!'" Finally Mathue comes up and asks her he can steal her away and she practically leaves a Jillian-sized hole in the wall getting away from Brian and Kyle. Something tells me neither of them are receiving the First Impression Rose. If there was a Crazypants Rose, they might vie for that one.
Off with Mathue, Jillian is asked what she looks for and responds, "I think the biggest things are is someone who can communicate well." I appreciate the irony. Heh heh. Wes steals her away from Mathue to play her a song on his guitar. That's... too much, dude. Too much. One of the guys bellows, "How do you perform after that?" Umm... are you confused about how this show works?
MIchael the Break Dance Instructor gives Jillian a lesson on the living room rug. "Hey, Spaghetti Arms! This is my dance space, this is your dance space." It's actually pretty cute. Bill Bro wanders up (I told you they were perfect for each other) and throws down in a break dance contest. Josh the Lifeguard comments, "Bill Bro was really movin' for an older guy, but Mike was definitely the winner of the break dance contest. He did some stuff that I haven't seen since the 7th grade." I heart Josh.
Chris crashes the fun again and introduces the Final Five Cylons. Sorry, the Final Five Guys. Chris says the response to Jillian as the Bachelorette was so immense that there are now 30 guys in the running. Ooooh. Jillian meets Ed, Bryce, Reed, Mike and Tanner. Mike takes her champagne, makes her step back, throws a ball at her and says, "You are a great catch." I SO wish she would've dropped it. Also, Tanner might want to have a dance contest with Mike and Bill Bro, ifyouknowwhatImean.
Alone time with Ed seems to go well. He's a cutie, I think he, Jake the Pilot and Stephen are my two early favorites. Tanner steals Jillian away and lets his Freak Foot Flag fly. He says in a talking-head, "Hopefully I can see Jillian's feet." Dude, it's the first date! And only sort of! Rein it in, you creeper! He rattles off things he likes to do, "cookin', huntin', fishin.'" My boyfriend remarks, "Toe-suckin.'" Gross.
The guys are a little bitter that they've been there all night and haven't seen her much and now these new guys are getting face time. Dave remarks that the guy who pulled the "great catch" stunt needs to get kicked in the sack. I heartily agree.
First Impression Rose time. Speaking of Dave, Jillian picks it up in the living room and brings it in to David, the guy who flubbed his greeting with her on the driveway. She calls it his second shot at a first impression, which is cute of her.
Chris breaks it up, Jillian deliberates and then it's time to eliminate 10 guys. The roses go to: Jake the Pilot that I picked, Jesse the Winemaker, Wes the Country Singer, Mathue the Rescuer, Michael the Break Dancer, Robert the... Bruce? (I don't remember), Ed the Chicago Guy that I picked, Reed the New Guy She Barely Talked To, Simon the Brit, Kiptyn the Surfer, Mike the "Great Catch" guy, Brian the Waffle Iron/Hot Tub Harris guy (really, Jillian? Really?), Sasha the Roughneck, Julien the Skeazoid (nooooo!), Tanner P the Foot Fetish Guy (GROSS, JILLIAN!), Mark the Pizza Guy, Brad the Split Personality Guy, Tanner F the Second Guy I Don't Really Remember, and Juan the Spanish Porn Guy.
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