Cody Linley and Brooke Burke Perform On Dancing with the Stars

Dancing with the Stars” likes to tout its superlatives and firsts from one season to the next, and season seven is no different: this time, we’ve got the largest cast (13 people), the oldest star (Cloris Leachman, 82), the youngest star (Cody Linley, 18), the most nights of any season premiere (3), and the most eliminations the first week (2).

The main stories of the first night were as follows: (a) the judges apparently resolved not to start the scoring inflation so early this time around, (b) Cloris Leachman is a hilarious-yet-disruptive force who cannot last but, oh, how I wish she would, and (c) something terrible has happened to judge Bruno’s hair. In less shocking developments, co-host Samantha Harris’ arms remain remarkably toned and pro Edyta Sliwinska’s outfits remain completely outrageous.

Let’s just start with Cloris Leachman, since she’s probably not going to be on the show for too many more weeks -- unless the 80+ set watches “DWTS” and phones, texts or e-mails its votes in. Anyway, after having seen her in action, I think that the reason Cloris Leachman was rejected twice for the show had nothing to do with her age but rather with the fact that there’s simply no way to contain her. She’s a force! Some highlights included her thrusting her leg up on the judges’ table, sitting on judge Carrie Ann’s lap, and telling people to vote for her because she was an orphan, and being an orphan involves a great deal of sadness. Backstage, when Samantha stated their total score, Cloris ripped a cue card with the number 16 written on it from some intern’s hands and exclaimed, “They can’t even add up the numbers here, they’re so stupid!” Meanwhile, the rest of the cast appeared to be urinating beneath their sequins. In the end, however, despite the fact that it is extremely impressive to be 82 and dancing (she’s partnered with Corky Ballas, the father of Mark), 16 isn’t that great of a score, and it’s unlikely she’ll last too long, which is unfortunate. She provides an element of unpredictability that the show sorely needs.

First, the leaders.

Toni Braxton has the most interesting and believable reason for appearing on DWTS that I’ve seen so far: diagnosed with microvascular angina, she found she was afraid to do much of anything, so she decided to do the show to get over those fears. And she’s quite good, particularly for week one; the cha cha she and Alec Mazo performed was mostly sharp and even a bit steamy, and the music (“Smooth” by Carlos Santana) actually fit the dance. The judges approved, and Toni and Alec received a 22/30.

The judges loved Brooke Burke and Derek Hough’s cha cha, scoring it a 23/30, the highest total of the night. I wondered that they were a bit distracted by how amazing her body is, particularly when you factor in that she had her fourth child just six months ago. Even if you didn’t factor that in, it would still be remarkable. Still, I thought her smile broadcast nervousness, and you could see her running through the moves in her head as she moved. What I’m saying is that I thought Toni was better. But when they showed the highlight clips at the end of the show, I could see their point. And so, presumably, could Shannon Elizabeth, who was in the audience, perhaps to keep an eye on Derek.

Warren Sapp, despite being a big man to begin with and no longer being in the shape he was once required to be in when he was in the NFL, turned out to be full of personality and, as partner Kym Johnson accurately put it, light on his feet. Their cha cha closed out the evening and was engaging and fun, and I could certainly see Warren being a strong contender this season. Score: 22/30.

Former 'N SYNCer Lance Bass and new pro Lacey Schwimmer proclaimed that they were each other’s biggest fans, and they performed an enjoyable cha cha that in no way resembled a cha cha. Lacey has pink- and white-streaked hair, signifying that she is not your traditional ballroom gal. Longtime viewers of the show will know what the nontraditional means: judge Len disliked it, but judges Bruno and Carrie Ann loved it. Score: 22/30.


Finally, the losers.

I apologize for being so superficial, but if you were to take a look at all of the contestants, you would probably have guessed that Jeffrey Ross would be the worst dancer. And you would have been right. I suppose the fact that he got a scratched cornea during rehearsal didn’t help, but, really, I think he would have been in last place anyway, which is too bad because I like to see Edyta’s moves and her insane outfits. Their cha cha was called “ungainly carnage” by judge Bruno. The only positive for Jeffrey was that he was able to get off a one-liner he’d probably had stored up for weeks: “Speaking of ballroom, these pants are very, very tight.” The judges offered up three fours for a total of 12/30.

Chef Rocco DiSpirito, paired with Karina Smirnoff (who had a recently sprained ankle), danced a foxtrot that had one or two moments but was mostly marred by Rocco’s inability to remain on the correct timing. Bruno referred to it as a “foxtrot on the brink of chaos.” There were moments when Rocco seemed to be enjoying himself, but, overall, I would say his chances are not that great, and he should probably stick to his other 31 reality ventures. Score: 14/30.

Susan Lucci looks good for her age -– a bit too good, if you know what I mean, though she’s no Priscilla Presley. That is, she’s still capable of facial expressions. She and Tony Dovolani performed a cha cha that was totally, completely, fully OK. I thought judge Carrie Ann nailed it when she said that Susan looked a bit too frail out there, and judge Len nailed it when said that the whole thing was too careful. Score: 15/30.

And, sadly, Cloris is probably in this category, too, except that she’s so awesome.

Hey, did you know ABC has declared this “National Stay at Home Week”? You would after watching all the promos aired on “DWTS.” I suppose it’s as good a week as any to stay at home, what with the turmoil in the financial markets. I’m hoping someone will bail me out soon.

So, fans, what are your thoughts on the first night? Someone will be eliminated tomorrow, but we’ll get to see second dances from the remaining 12 contestants.